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THE BOX SET INCLUDES THE EXCLUSIVE SHAWARMA EATING COMPETITION VIDEO, INCLUDING EXTRA BONUS FOOTAGE AND BLOOPERS + AN ADVANCED COPY OF THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER TELL-ALL BOOK: “DONI KANDEL: THE LAFFA AND TIMES OF A SHAWARMA CONTEST UMPIRE”.

HERE'S THE VIDEO TEASER:

EXCEPRTS FROM “DONI KANDEL: THE LAFFA AND TIMES OF A SHAWARMA CONTEST UMPIRE”:

"The difficulties of umping this thing is the REAL inconvenient truth!"
-Al Gore

“There is always a conspiracy theory. The post-game interview that featured Gene with techina on his face was NOT proof that he actually had lost, because it was clearly stated that techina WAS an option for dipping but NOT a necessary part of the shawarma. But people didn’t want to hear that. Gosh, now I know how George W. feels after 9/11. Well…sort of. Trust me I was not in Gene’s pocket. The guy lives in a pantry, imagine how awful his pocket must smell.”


“Crazy Adam desecrated the sport. He may has well have gone over to the grave of the great food’s founder, Edward R. Shawarma, and danced on it. Disgraceful.”


“We will never know what would have happened if Koz had decided to compete, but I do promise to do my duty, and the next time he forgoes pizza and Chinese food and gets shawarma I will be there, next to the couch, with a stopwatch and my mask.” 


“I cannot confirm the rumors that Ruth keeps the Shawarma bits Uri spat into her hair in a box on her nightstand, staring at it each morning as she gives herself a pep-talk about female equality. However, I cannot deny these rumors either.”


“I think Grossman unintentionally knocked Avi off his game by creating a ‘dirty borschtful raunchfest 2011’ playlist. All those F words really appeared to shake him.”


“I think it is really honorable what Gene and Davis are doing. Donating their jaws and lower intestines to science after they go, so we can study the difference between a first a second place shawarma eater’s biological makeup! The medical community will be eternally grateful.”

ORDER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rotisserie Life Exclusive: Mock Draft Results

With the fantasy football season coming to a close this week (and oddly without a winner) the men of Givat Shmuel have desperately been searching for their next big distraction. While some have decided to ratchet up their focus on their fantasy basketball leagues (come on Davis, Nash and Lopez for Felton and Jefferson!)  other’s have decided it was time take their fun into their own hands. Ranan Tennenbaum, resident rainman and “30 for 30” aficionado, inspired by the ESPN documentary “Silly Little Games: The Story of the Creation of Rotisserie Baseball”, has devised a new game, called Rotisserie Life. “Rotisserie Life,” Raymond Babbitt Tannenbaum Jr. explains, “is a game based on the fact that the people in your life’s inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy due to their ridiculousness. I have created a game, where you can draft your favorite nut job and follow his statistics throughout the school semester, proving to your friends and foes that you know the most about ridiculous people”.

With Rotisserie Life gaining popularity many newspapers in the Givat Shmuel area, including that stupid Kiryat Ono one that gets shoved into everyone’s mailbox, have been publishing their mock draft results in anticipation of the upcoming semester. In kind, the experts at the Sam Hill Gazette have conducted their own mock draft and we have published the results below:

1. ADAM GROSSMAN
• PROS
o The line between fantasy and reality is tremendously blurry for this individual. That may be due to hours locked in the dungeon holding his computer up to his face, staring at YouTube videos all night long.

o Hello! He plays to win the game!

o Can impersonate/mock any person on the planet

o Went to High School with Barry Coefield-well versed in the “Don’t Taze Me” dance

o Has sampled every yeshiva in Israel

o Has a PHD in rapid eyebrow movement after studying under the renowned Dr. VaBenney

o His Deli Salad/Pasta skills improves weekly

o Is one half of the band “Gnarls Barkley”

• CONS
o Has no Blackberry and thusly does not exist

o Apparently incurable (according to all the doctors he’s seen) hitch is his step

o People have been known to mock him

o Hung out with Ray Rice instead of Kenny Britt missing out on a night to remember

• BOTTOM LINE: With such little downside, Adam Grossman is everyone’s unanimous 1st overall pick. His unique ridiculousness should yield Grossman owners tons of weekly points not to mention propel Adam to the top of the Lev Hatorah shidduch resume stack.

2. AVI ROSENBAUM
• PROS
o Can shake his head back and forth very quickly to shown fear/disapproval

o Hair can move in any and all directions

o Has a huge vocabulary consisting of mostly fictional words

o Has a pair of pants that is both for winter as well as for summer

o Kipa diversity

• CONS
o Not an ideal player for weeks when you need scuba diving skills

o Thinks the phrase “in a few minutes” is an all-encompassing term referring to the next 48-72 hours
o Was raised in a pile of compost

o Will probably end up looking like the guy in this picture who is about to murder Matan

• BOTTOM LINE: Avi is a great 2nd overall pick for any Rotisserie Life owner, being the single strongest influence of non-normalcy over the entire Givat Shmuel population. He once won an election for Borscht-King of Chraintown with just this poster and he will be a winner for you as well.

The draft is currently only two picks deep due to the fact that Ranan has only been able to convince his roommate and life partner Ariel Bernstien to play thus far. A number of other people have expressed interest in the league but are currently unable to see anything, let alone the website to register, after drinking the latest batch of Sam Hill Brewery beer. Brewery owner Uri Rosenzwieg, while apologizing for the temporary visual imparity has expressed some sentiments of excitement that this, “should definitely raise my Rotisserie worth”. Rosenzwieg was a Team Ridiculous All Star in his heyday but has faced numerous claims of mellowing in his old age.  None the less he is still expected to be inducted as a first-ballot Ridiculous Hall of Famer later this year.

Wikileaks Exclusive: Davis Dating Memos Revealed

The Gazette, thanks to Wikileaks, has unearthed previously classified dispatches sent by Sarah Davis, then Sarah Dray, to her friends and family during the courting period of her relationship with now husband Adam Davis. Published below are a number of the more interesting ones:

Sarah Dray to Mother

February 10th 2008

I went on a date with this Canadian boy tonight. He seemed like a good guy. We really just talked about the basics: family, high school, how awesome we both are. I’ll keep you posted. 

Sarah Dray to Mother

February15th 2008

We talked about hobbies today. I like that he isn’t a classic boy sports fanatic. He loves hockey but we all know Canadians are slow like that (he thought it was “bogus” that I didn’t care about the Panthers) .  He mentioned he was thinking about getting into football but he didn’t seem too serious about it. 

Sarah Dray to Mother

March 12th 2008

Adam is really funny. He had these calluses on his hands and I asked him what they were from and without missing a beat he said videogames. He said it was a completely straight face! You know how I love deadpan humor! This is looking good!

Sarah Dray to Father

March 20th 2008

Hey Dad. I remember you had a friend who lived in Texas and I wanted to know if you knew his name. I am dating this guy and, I kind of dozed off, but I’m pretty sure he said he has family members in Texas or his Dad is from Texas or something like that because he said he’s a huge Texans and Longhorns fan, and I wanted to know if he knew them. Thanks!

Sarah Dray to Mother

April 2 2008

Adam says he wants to be a journalist! How cool?!

Sarah Dray to Friend

April 4th 2008

Adam made me taste his cholent. I told him it’s really good but to be honest I think something might have died in it. I was trying to be nice but if I do end up marrying this guy I might have just set a very bad precedent. 

Sarah Dray to Mother

April 15th 2008

Adam said he wants to be a lawyer! Just like me! How cool?!

Sarah Dray to Friend

May 9th 2008

Me and Adam are getting pretty serious. I really can see myself living with him every day which is a big step. He loves having fun. I feel like even when he gets bogged down with work he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t really give off the impression that he’s working hard and tries to have as much fun as humanly possible. I bet you the word “busy” isn’t even in his lexicon.

Sarah Dray to Mother

May 13th 2008

Adam says he wants to be a sports agent! How cool?!

Sarah Dray to Friend 

May 24th 2008

I got nervous today. I made a remark to Adam that came off kind of nasty but I think he brushed it off. Thank G-d I found a guy with such thick skin!

Sarah Dray to Mother

June 1st 2008

Adam says he wants to be a superhero! How cool?!

Adam Davis to Father

June 28th 2008

So you know I’ve been dating this Sarah girl for a long time. She seems more and more awesome every date. She’s from Florida so I can hop on the Dolphins or Heat bandwagon if they ever get good! How sweet?! Plus I am fairly certain she thinks I am awesome (I mean how could she not?)! I think I’m in love. Engagement probably coming soon. Oh by the way, have you ever heard of fantasy football? Can you believe those stupid Americans waste their time and energy on that crap? Pretty sad eh?  

Koz and Facebook Reportedly Tussle in Domestic Dispute

Koz+Blackberry=LOVE

Ramat Ilan residents were awoken early Monday morning to police sirens blaring through the streets. While many assumed it was just another response to a benign phone call by the insane tenants of Rechavat Ilan 18 (the “if I don’t sleep you don’t live” folks) the police were in fact en route to Rechavat Ilan 20. The police were allegedly responding to a call that David Kozlovsky, more commonly known as Koz or “Pizza?” had been abused by his former lover Facebook. The emergency call came in from Koz’s roommate Joel Goldstein who had called the police in sheer panic. The 100 (Israel’s brilliant version of 911-ya because what 6 year old kid playing with a phone isn’t gonna try dialing 100 first?) audio tapes revealed that Mr. Goldstein had called the police screaming, “Facebook just barged in and began poking Koz incessantly. My roommate and I are hiding in our rooms and I can’t find my shirt anywhere!”

The dispute was reportedly over Koz’s blatant dismissal of Facebook since he has gotten a Blackberry about a month ago. Tension between the two has been mounting ever since. While it is true Koz does access Facebook every once and a while from his Blackberry, the popular social networking site does not appreciate being relegated to second place.

Koz has apparently tried to explain countless times to Facebook why Blackberry is just superior. “I can’t order Sushi from you can I?” Koz has allegedly berated Facebook with after countless hours of chugging Stella Artois and pounding homemade nachos.

Although Facebook claims that Koz is a serial-abandoner no one could verify this accusation due to their inability to remember Koz before Facebook was a part of his life.

Facebook says that he knew it was really over when Koz changed his Blackberry status to “Raindrops keep fallin on my head” Monday morning as rain hit the Holy Land for the first time this year. “I used to be the one he used to make those absolutely pointless and idiotic status updates on,” Facebook lamented, “Now this skinnier, black, I’m sorry African American, communication slut comes along and takes him away. Where is the justice? I had a movie made about me, it was kind of a big deal, what’s that cellular ho done?”

Facebook said it was really crushed by the continued building up and ultimately tearing down of hopes. “Every time Koz would run (yes he runs but its’ rare) into his room during the second quarter of a football game he was “forsure gonna watch” my heart started to race. I dared to let myself dream that he wanted to have some shady chat with a random girl from England or an inappropriate conversation with a camper but that damn Skype was his vice of choice every time.”

When asked to respond to all the damning allegations put forth against him by his jilted lover, Koz simply declined comment because he, “needed to finish the fifth season of The British Apprentice.”

Welcome!!!

Welcome all to the brand new satire blog for Givat Shmuel. We all know we live among some of the most ridiculous people in the world and its time to start acknowledging it. I just want to say at the start that this is all in good fun and no malice is intended whatsoever. Hope everyone enjoys!