With Rotisserie Life gaining popularity many newspapers in the Givat Shmuel area, including that stupid Kiryat Ono one that gets shoved into everyone’s mailbox, have been publishing their mock draft results in anticipation of the upcoming semester. In kind, the experts at the Sam Hill Gazette have conducted their own mock draft and we have published the results below:
1. ADAM GROSSMAN
• PROS
o The line between fantasy and reality is tremendously blurry for this individual. That may be due to hours locked in the dungeon holding his computer up to his face, staring at YouTube videos all night long.
o Hello! He plays to win the game!
o Can impersonate/mock any person on the planet
o Went to High School with Barry Coefield-well versed in the “Don’t Taze Me” dance
o Has sampled every yeshiva in Israel
o Has a PHD in rapid eyebrow movement after studying under the renowned Dr. VaBenney
o His Deli Salad/Pasta skills improves weekly
o Is one half of the band “Gnarls Barkley”
• CONS
o Has no Blackberry and thusly does not exist
o Apparently incurable (according to all the doctors he’s seen) hitch is his step
o People have been known to mock him
o Hung out with Ray Rice instead of Kenny Britt missing out on a night to remember
• BOTTOM LINE: With such little downside, Adam Grossman is everyone’s unanimous 1st overall pick. His unique ridiculousness should yield Grossman owners tons of weekly points not to mention propel Adam to the top of the Lev Hatorah shidduch resume stack.
2. AVI ROSENBAUM
• PROS
o Can shake his head back and forth very quickly to shown fear/disapproval
o Hair can move in any and all directions
o Has a huge vocabulary consisting of mostly fictional words
o Has a pair of pants that is both for winter as well as for summer
o Kipa diversity
• CONS
o Not an ideal player for weeks when you need scuba diving skills
o Thinks the phrase “in a few minutes” is an all-encompassing term referring to the next 48-72 hours
o Was raised in a pile of compost
o Will probably end up looking like the guy in this picture who is about to murder Matan
• BOTTOM LINE: Avi is a great 2nd overall pick for any Rotisserie Life owner, being the single strongest influence of non-normalcy over the entire Givat Shmuel population. He once won an election for Borscht-King of Chraintown with just this poster and he will be a winner for you as well.
The draft is currently only two picks deep due to the fact that Ranan has only been able to convince his roommate and life partner Ariel Bernstien to play thus far. A number of other people have expressed interest in the league but are currently unable to see anything, let alone the website to register, after drinking the latest batch of Sam Hill Brewery beer. Brewery owner Uri Rosenzwieg, while apologizing for the temporary visual imparity has expressed some sentiments of excitement that this, “should definitely raise my Rotisserie worth”. Rosenzwieg was a Team Ridiculous All Star in his heyday but has faced numerous claims of mellowing in his old age. None the less he is still expected to be inducted as a first-ballot Ridiculous Hall of Famer later this year.
